Risky Business

My sweet slumber is abruptly interrupted by my blaring alarm. I’m quickly reminded of my disastrous evening. How could a seemingly perfect night end before it’s even begun? This sinking pain in the pit of my stomach is unbearable.

The memory of Daniel’s smile is still so vivid. The electricity between us could ignite an entire city felled by load shedding. The sound of his breath against mine should’ve been my wake-up call.  

Turn shower nozzle on, turn shower nozzle off, and turn shower nozzle on.

Flush toilet, repeat, disinfect seat, repeat, flush toilet, use toilet.

Wash hands, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Undress and step into shower.

Hot water…. More hot water

Lather, rinse, repeat… lather, rinse repeat…Lather, rinse and repeat

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There she is, Manuela Rodriguez. Not only is she is vision of perfection but her name arouses your senses the way a deliciously sinful, freshly baked dark chocolate brownie does.  As my search continues I realize that Daniel and Manuela have known each other for years but somehow don’t seem to have been romantically involved. 

This can only mean one thing. They are star-crossed lovers separated by circumstances beyond their control and now she’s come back to take what’s rightfully hers. There’s only one way I can overcome this obstacle. I need to make a trip to Bree Street to see Dr/Herbalist/Magician/ Voodoo-Muti Specialist Baba Ramayana.

This kind of trip is not for the faint-hearted but desperate times call for desperate measures. To avoid a hijacking, kidnapping or getting lost in the maze of one-way streets in Jozi’s CBD, I must do the unthinkable. I need to take the ultimate risk and hop into a taxi. Nothing worth attaining ever comes easy!

Bree Street, downtown Johannesburg. The air is filled with smog, stale urine, beer, braaied mielies, a mish-mash of Kwaito, R&B and West African music and week-old body odour. This is the part of the city that those fancy travel shows politely exclude.

There he is. Baba Ramayana! He’s not what I imagined at all. In fact, he looks like a friendly, sweet old man until he turns to look at me. His haunting eyes stare right into my flesh like a carnivore about to devour its prey. I make my request and desperately want to escape as fast as my trembling legs can carry me. Before I leave, his strong wrinkled arm firmly grabs mine and he whispers, “uBuye again soon! Xa ingasebenzi no pretty boy, ndi zo’k satisfiya I craving yakho.” (Come again soon. If it doesn’t work with pretty boy I can satisfy your craving.)

I storm out of the store and head back to the taxi rank. It’s now 16h00 and every damn taxi is packed to capacity. I’m squeezed between two sumo wrestlers and all the windows are tightly shut. I gasp for air then feel a series of poking fingers against my shoulders. I can barely move yet I’m expected to be the Minister of Financial Public Transport Affairs.

I finally reach my destination almost forgetting my purchase from Baba Ramayana’s store. I begin to mix all the ingredients then I remember that I need a personal item from the stick insect Manuela in order for this concoction to work.

Manuela Rodriguez

Date of Birth: 1982/02/03

Eye Colour: Light Brown

Hair Colour: Black

Interests: World music, travelling, good food and wine, dancing and extreme sports

Twitter name: @ManuelaRodz

Facebook: www.facebook/manuelarodriguez

Email address:MRodriguez@yahoo.com

Address: Unknown

Car Registration: FGH564GP

Facebook News Feed: Manuela Rodriguez now lives in Johannesburg, South Africa

Let the stalking begin!

Accidental Meeting

Stalker In The City:  Accidental Meeting

Singing….

I will follow him, follow him wherever he maaaaay go.

There isn’t an ocean too deep. (Too deep)

No mountain so high it could keep, keep ME awaaaay

Awaaay from my Dan.

There’s nothing better than waking up next to the man of your dreams. His olive sun-kissed skin is perfectly intertwined with mine. His long dark eye lashes and chocolate brown wavy hair is that of a Greek god. His velvety soft lips make devouring him impossible to resist. It’s such a pity that the screen of this fruity phone is so minute! Is it necessary for technology to also function on African time?

According to Facebook and Twitter Daniel is attending the Goldfish gig tonight.  I wonder if he’ll be wearing his blue Adidas top featured in his Facebook album entitled “Summer in Rome” or the green one he wore in the album “Jozi Nights”? I’ll have to investigate when I do my regular 18h00 “drive-by” past his favourite bar.

Co-ordinating an accidental meeting requires extensive research and attention to every intricate detail. Social stalking is just a fraction of the work involved in this process. It’s also fairly simple but, physically following someone without being caught, requires skills.

1.)   Know your target well. Observe every detail of his/her wardrobe. Take note of the company they keep.

2.)   Focus! Don’t get distracted and make sure you’re aware of where they are going. This means doing your homework.

3.)   Use the crowd to remain undetected so that you are able to slip in and out unnoticed.

4.)   Keep your distance.

5.)   Be aware of your surroundings and other people or cars. If you get too caught up in following your target others may notice you without you seeing them. Be alert at all times!

The accidental meeting is perhaps the most important ingredient in capturing the man of your desires. I have to leave a lasting impression. My presence will linger in his thoughts for days to come, making it impossible for him to forget me.

 Flashback: Facebook newsfeed: Daniel Robert Davids is no longer in a relationship

Perfect timing! Tonight is the night to strike! If all else fails, there’s always Rohypnol. (I’m just kidding! Everyone knows that’s a "Schedule Date 3" drug.)

I’m about to glide into the venue wearing a limited edition red Adidas dress sourced online from Daniel’s beloved store. My hair is tied back in a slick, long, dark ponytail. My lips are lightly brushed with a touch of pink. I hear muffled voices and laughter overwhelmed by deafening music. I see Dan in the distance, standing by the bar surrounded by the most exquisite people in the city.

My stomach is filled with oversized butterflies. I’ve almost lost my sense of balance and all I hear is my pounding heart. I take a deep breath, swallow and proceed in the direction of the bar.

Our eyes meet and we both smile. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect start to what would be a night we would both remember for the rest of our lives. I imagine sharing this story with all our friends and family on our wedding day.

My thoughts are quickly interrupted by a loud screech of giggles and excitement. I look at Dan and notice a tall, dark, intoxicatingly beautiful woman walking towards him. She wraps her lanky arms around him and plants an enormous kiss on his lips.

I recognize her face from Dan’s older Facebook pictures but still can’t place her. I’m suffocated by images of me wringing her scrawny neck and driving her flawless face into the bar counter. I need to get out of here!

 I’m overcome with rage! She’s in my way. There’s no alternative. I must stop her, perhaps …

To be continued….

Meet Roslyn Melissa Manual

If he doesn’t call… He’s not that into you

If he doesn’t have time for you…He’s just not that into you.

If he’s “too tired” for “coffee”… He’s just not that into you.

Don’t be needy or he’ll lose interest.

Be mysterious or he’ll lose interest.

Don’t “give it up” too easily or he’ll lose interest.

Be smart but not intimidating. Be funny, not dorky. Be charming but not arrogant, be interesting but not a weird freak, be innocently flirty but super sexy, be super sexy but don’t be a dirty skank.

He, he, him, him, do, don’t. I’m a competitive individual by nature but this game is way too exhausting for my liking. I believe that if you want anything to happen, you have to make it happen. The same goes for love. Make it happen! There’s just no way that any guy could not be into me. He just doesn’t know he’s into me and it’s my mission to MAKE him be into me.

Forthcoming Attraction: Daniel Robert Davids

I can feel the vibrations of my pounding heart from my ears right down to my toes. I’m desperately trying to unlock my sticky, dry lips as a single drop of sweat slowly runs down my right armpit. I begin to open my dehydrated mouth but a stuttering one year old desperately trying to utter a brief “hi” erupts. Now I’m left looking like a stroke victim on tik with a solitary wet patch under my arm.

Daniel Robert Davids

Date of Birth: 1980/06/05

Blood Type: A+

Eye Colour: Green

Hair Colour: Brown

Interests: Art house films, hip hop music, travelling and Indian cuisine

Twitter name: @DRDavids

Facebook: www.facebook/danthemandavids.com

Email address: DRDavids@gmail.com

Address: 75, 7^th Parkhurst Johannesburg

Car Registration: BVN67FGP

Allergies: Wheat and dairy

Facebook News Feed: Daniel Robert Davids is no longer in a relationship

No longer in a relationship! Yeeeessssssss!

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Daniel Robert Davids likes Adidas Originals

Roslyn Melissa Manual likes Adidas Originals

Daniel Robert Davids is attending Goldfish at The Sands

Roslyn Melissa Manual is now attending Goldfish at The Sands

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@roslymmm is now following @DRDavids

@DRDavids has 453 followers

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Daniel Robert Davids is no longer in a relationship! This is the second best day of my entire life. The first being the day I locked eyes and elbows with Daniel.

 I just knew from the moment our elbows collided on Saturday the 17^th of March at 12h23 at the Neighbourgoods Market that he was the one for me. It was inevitable that we would end up together. It was so much more than just an elbow collision. We had a connection. Our elbows were caught in a tender embrace, a dance…. It was the dance of soul mates whose lives would be intertwined for eternity. I knew from that very moment that I would make him mine!

David Robert Davids, I’d like to introduce you to your future wife, lover, best friend and mother to our three perfect children Roslyn Melissa Manual.